Wow, what a crazy three weeks.

Well, the last post I wrote was very depressing and I apologize for that. But that is exactly how I was feeling at the time. Since then I have been to Oklahoma and back and had the chance to visit my family and reminisce about things past. The services for Daniel were beautiful. The service was the most meaningful, heartfelt, personal service that I had ever witnessed. It really brought closure to Daniels death. It really doesn't take away the heartache, but at the same time as my Aunt Christie (Daniels mom, and the strongest woman alive) said, "You can't wish someone out of heaven." A lot of people, even during these tragic times has reminded me that people who take their own lives do not go to heaven. I think that under these circumstances, which his suicide was not out of hate, he did go to heaven. He wanted to be with God. He had suffered so much and with his final note which read "The Lord is my rock, my fortress, my deliverer, in whom I take refuge..." Psalm 18:2, Daniel did go to heaven.

On another note, I was very excited to meet my niece Rhiannon. She is absolutely adorable. I think that she looks a lot like my sister and a little like Chris her husband. I think that we connected right away. I already miss her. I enjoyed the 3 days that we had and wished that we had more time. But duty calls. I also spent some time with my cousin Sarah and her family along with many others whom I wished that I was closer to.

Now, the recovery has begun! I left for Laughlin on April 1st got back on Sunday the 5th, flew to Oklahoma on Wednesday the 8th, returned from Oklahoma Sunday the 12th and now here I am recovering from the 24hr flu. I think that my body was punishing me for not getting any rest at all. But I don't have any plans for this weekend (the first time in 3 weekends) and think that I am just going to relax.

Also, thank you to all of you who called, wrote and send cards. You really don't know how much that meant to me. I love you all and am lucky to call you friends.

Life

I am writing this with a heavy heart. My cousin Daniel took his own life on Sunday. At this point in time I cannot seem to wrap my mind around it. I loved him and I am heart broken. He had a lot of mental and physical issues but we thought he was dealing with them well. I am sad and angry all at the same time. How could he do this? The worst part of it all is that my aunt found him. He had driven to his favorite spot at the lake and never came home. She went searching and found him. She found him. She found her child. She is such a strong woman. She has had a lot of tradgedy. She lost another son in a car accident several years ago. I couldn't imagine being her. I don't know if I could do it.

My Dad is suffering. They were very close. He called my Dad Thursday to tell him that he had been spending alot of time with God and the Bible. He thought that he could turn his life around and be a better person. Little did my Dad know he was just saying goodbye. My Dad thinks that he should have seen it. He wished that he would have known. It didn't help that this happened on my Dad's birthday. After talking with my cousin Sarah, she is right. He was speaking in future-tense. My Dad was the last person he called besides caonversing with my Aunt Christie at home. I believe that he has been forgiven and that he is with God. I wish that I could just talk to him one last time. I love you Daniel. You will always be in my heart.

So, please keep my family and I in your prayers. We are leaving tomorrow for Oklahoma. I think that it is hard now, wait until I see my family and the ones who were the closest to him. My heart is going to shatter.

Daniel Scott Lanier (September 23, 1979 - April 5, 2009)